i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
