Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
