If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
