it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hippo gnu deer
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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