I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
