i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
