Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
