there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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