So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
