im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just threw up on my dentist
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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