I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
