I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
