Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
