My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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