Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
