would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
