why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
