i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
