Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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