So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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