WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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