I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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