I think I died a long time ago.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
