Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They have beer where we have blood.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
