Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
