Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
