if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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