You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
