Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
