Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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