Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
