Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
