I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Michael Bay diarrhea
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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