I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
