Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
