But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
