A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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