I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
