Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
