Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
