i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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