Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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