So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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