He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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