Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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