Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
