He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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