i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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