I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
