the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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